very much so in love.. i dont know.. have  you ever loved some one soo much it hurts! i would do anything for him.. ever since i met him.. when i layed eyes on him.. i havent been the same.. he touched a special part of my heart.. and forever he will always be in my heart.. in my life.. mistakes were made on both parts.. and i am trying to put that in my past.. i am working on the present and the future.. i believe slowly things will fall into place.. and i cant wait.. hes something i wont give up on.. the thing that keeps me going is the quote i heard when i was little.. "dont ever give up on something that made you smile so much your face hurts" and i kept that real close..

i will never give up or forget him. :) today i spent my whole after noon, watching movies and laying next to him.. i got to watch him sleep. i felt bad because he was sick and i couldnt help at all. so i let him sleep. :) he looked peacefull. i thank God that i was blessed to have him in my life.. everynight before i go to sleep i pray.. that things will get better for my family and for the one i love.. things are slowly workin out.. these past couple days i cant help but be confused.. and hurt.. but at the same time.. while hes by my side.. i feel amazing. i feel loved.. like this is where i am supposed to be.. with him..

just like the movie the notebook.. it came on yesterday.. and i just lost it. i couldnt help but cry... and he kissed my whole face a million times didnt miss an inch of my face.. i felt like i was on top of the world. if i had a remote i would keep rewinding that moment and live like that for the rest of my life. at that moment everything was perfect. now hes trying to read this and im not done yet!! so i will continue laterrr. :)

HOPE EVERYONE HAD A SAFE AND FUN HOLiDAY. i REALLY DO.. i HOPE YOU ENJOYED YOURESELVES.   TRY AND BE HAPPY THiS WHOLE YEAR.. EVERYDAY WAKE UP AND THANK WHOEVER YOU BELiEVE iN, BECAUSE YOUVE MADE iT THiS FAR..

uhhm. my mood. the following. i wrote it with headphones blasting, candle lit, and a cigarette on stand by.

• Everything is always about a competition. Nothing is ever good enough for anyone. You always have to be one up. Personally, I would rather settle for less. I dont care whats the best. i'll let you fuckers fight till the death ...you aint bringing me down.

• you dont know me, and you thought you did.. so excuse yourself. who are you, who are YOU, to judge me?? you think you're better than me. you think you know me. you dont know the half let alone the beginning. so pretty much fuck off. oh. i'm insecure. no. i just have my guard up. you're too nice because thas how you want to be treated in return. and you get fucked. so mise well just bend over cause your going to get fucked anyways! right? so you are stuck in defense mode.. and now everyone has the audacity to call you a bitch, cunt, asshole, etc.. no, you're not any better than me. not a smudge more not a smudge less. so suck a fucking fat one buddies. please. tell me i dont care. because, oh you can feel what i feel? think what i'm thinking? oh really now, cause [please] i wish it was possible for you to step in my fucking cute shoes. see how that is. cause in the end, you treat me like the shit on your shoes. i am at least letting you walk on mine, not on the bottom. tell me i am a cunt again. please. you are nothing to me if you cant see and understand me. i am real and if you are too into your self to see that.. may God give you the vision to gain, and change. if not, then wow.. dont try and beat me.. because i already won.

• You're a little girl. You cant do this. you aren't capable of that. why cant people look deep and find out what that  this girl is truly about. they really must not give a fuck. that girl cares alot about so much. all of her world is made up of thoughts and deep thinking.br0ke up by the thoughts and memories that play continuously. her world haunts her but at the same time is also a peaceful ocean full of water. she has her moments. shy or very strong & bold, she is behind a lie. a lie she has lived upon her whole entire life. and she's seen plenty too much. shes beautifully broken..

and this lyric came to my head while in the shower pondering what the fuck. ha.

"cinnamon and sugar fix all these broken lies, you never know just how you look in other people's eyes"

- butthole surfers